I haven't written on here much, as seems to be my habit. There have been a number of contributing factors, but the main issue has been my health. Three weeks ago tomorrow, I was taken to the hospital. I'd had an endless thirst, frequent urination, perpetual exhaustion, and eventually a smell on my breath like nail polish remover. In the hospital, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, which had caused what's known as diabetic ketoacidosis, or DKA for short.
DKA is what happens when the insulin is no longer getting through and the blood sugar isn't being burnt for energy. At which point, your liver starts burning fat to replace the missing energy. This means ketones are being burnt in its place. DKA, however, is when the ketone count is too high, essentially pumping nail polish remover into the blood stream. It throws off your electrolyte balance (known as the anion gap), and it can be fatal. (Apparently, I'm somewhat anomalous. DKA normally doesn't occur in type 2 diabetics, especially with my blood sugar as relatively low as it was. I'm nothing if not a trailblazer.)
I spent four days in the ICU. It's really only now, and only partially, that I'm beginning to realize and accept that I was actually in rather significant jeopardy. While I was in the hospital, the only thing I wanted to do was come home and write. Once I got home, I couldn't focus on writing or reading or thinking about anything other than diabetes. I read Sugar Blues (with a skeptical perspective), several studies on the causes and treatments (both for and against the use of cinnamon), the history of sugar, the history of diabetes itself, the policy advocacy of the ADA, participating in Facebook groups for diabetics, and on and on.
I'm not sure I'm out of that phase of things yet. It's more difficult than ever for me to focus on politics, culture, society, economics, whatever. And to be sure, diabetes specifically will be part of my future writing, along with questions about healthcare and capitalism, including trying to square up modern medicine and science with the profit motive, and questioning the utilization of "natural" or "alternative" medicine that isn't clearly from a con artist.
But some day, hopefully soon, I'll have adjusted, physically and mentally, to this new condition, and be able to go back to the things I love, including writing here.
One thing I will say: Having diabetes sucks. But getting treated for diabetes has been kind of great. There are still days, today included, where I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and depressed. But honestly? I’m feeling better than I have for a long time. I’m still tired a lot, but the quality of that has changed. My depression has significantly improved, lessened. I’ve lost a rather significant amount of weight, and while I’m still quite large, the difference is visible. (Some of that weight loss was from DKA, which is a diet I don’t recommend.) I’m sleeping somewhat better. People in my life have said I look “brighter.” While they’re still poor, I feel like my memory and concentration are improving. I’m feeling more optimistic, including about the potential of reversing this. I’m not “fixed”; my brain is still rewired towards depression and anxiety, and I still have diabetes. Not everything is sunshine and daisies. But it is improving.
I think I’ve made more posts here about not writing than I’ve actually done any writing. I wish I could honestly and without reservation say that was bound to change. But I think, for the first time in a long time, there’s actually a fighting chance. Once I get past the first phase of a new chronic diagnosis, I think I’ll actually have the energy and desire to give this project the attention it deserves.